Supporting the Economy and Testing Your Relationship

(New Frederick News Post column)

How to simultaneously support the economy while testing the strengths and bounds of your marriage? Start a home project.

Decide that you’re going to take on something that you really have no business doing — bonus points for a project that your neighbor paid someone else to do.

Optimally, make it be a project that involves plenty of aesthetic choices, like paint colors and types of tile. Think long and hard about whether your bathroom would look best in Pensive Sky or Morning Sky — give these decisions their due value.

When gearing up for your first trip to Home Depot be sure to forget your list at home — or even better, don’t make a list at all. This will make sure that you will maximize your time in the store where you will inevitably discover tons of items that you never thought you needed but suddenly now seem crucial to your existence, like a squeegee or an all-in-one screwdriver that your husband will later repeatedly and mercilessly refer to as the “choose your own adventure.”

This will be hilarious at 2 in the morning when you’re using the choose your own adventure to scrape dried caulk from your new tile.

Also, while you’re in the store don’t waste time checking packaging and lengthy descriptions. Just assume that when the makers of your toilet proclaim “All In One, Everything Included” on the front of the box, it will contain a supply line.

This method works best when you have only one bathroom in the house. And even better if you discover your mistake just after all of the home improvement stores within 20 miles have closed for the night. The level of panic that will set in with the thought of no toilet until the next morning will bring you infinitely closer to your partner.

You will also finally get to be that person banging on Home Depot’s locked doors with unwashed hair and paint-stained sweatpants, much to the chagrin of the teenager trying to ignore you inside. You’ve always wanted to be that person.

When you’re ready to get started, have the person who lacks attention to detail do all of the detail work for your project; it’s the only way he’s going to learn.

Put your perfectionism aside, but not before you teach him how to properly tape off a wall using expensive painter’s tape. Don’t forget to closely keep an eye while he attempts to perfect his own technique, one that will most definitely diverge completely from the technique you just taught him. Encourage his creativity.

When the tape comes up a few hours later and blotches of grey are showing through on the brand new white wainscoting, try to keep the I-told-you-so’s at bay. Voicing your concerns will only make your partner feel more at ease with the situation.

Make your partner feel more uncomfortable by letting the blotches speak for themselves. Don’t say a word. Enjoy the awkward silence. Consider the benefits of utilizing the “choose your own adventure” as a weapon, but ultimately decide that you have no idea how to use plumber’s putty and you really want this job to get done.

Finally, you should do your best to completely disrupt your daily routine. Shake things up a bit by moving your bed into the living room. Your cats will enjoy the new access they have to your face while you sleep.

Cuddle your partner to get away from them. Remain very still so that they don’t know you’re there. Use the floor as your nightstand and leave your glasses and tissues all over it. You’ll be thrilled to get up in the morning and back to your project. And when it’s finally finished, celebrate by spending the night apart.